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I keep forgetting that no one knows this writing space exists. I can write whatever I want. I can be as woo and as wild as I want, without the usual fears. Just like how it was for WT, which allowed me to do some work and deep reflection.

I am, like most people who still listen to some news, am gravely disappointed that at a time when we have so many billionaires and material wealth, we still have many people in the known world—because we know where everything is now, or rather we seem to know all the things—experiencing genocide, famine, and hardship.

I speak and move from a position of material wealth. I have all that I need and I know that me buying another thing (even another subscription) won’t change the suffering. The materialism will only keep going if I allow that chain to keep dragging me back in.

As I witness my ego, I am aware that this is the illusion that will continue to keep me in suffering: The endless loop of consumption. The seemingly endless loop of identity making.

Because that is what it is, still, isn’t it? This item, these objects, how they feed my ego and make “me” feel more like “me”. The attachments to things that preserve “me”. I may not be so attached to my opinions, but I am attached to my past habits and trauma and stories still. I am conscious of the loop.

I have started to make moves, but I am not ending the cycles of closing the loop. There is a bag in my home, full of t-shirts from lovers. I had planned to write something about them, but there they are. Taking up space and taking up space in my mind.

It was really refreshing (and sobering) to hear Danjo-san, our guest during our group meditations, share last week about how he too has a problem with letting go of even gift wrapping. Even he, a Zen Buddhist monk, who recognises that everything is made from the Earth using the planet’s resources has trouble with letting go. Both things can be true: how we can appreciate the preciousness of the material, but also that we may be holding too tightly to the material.

It sparked and nudged my consciousness to look at my attachments again.

I am still seeking solace in the material.